A Truthseeker's Public Sacred Space

[Ninjakitten]

What is my name...? My spirit longs to be called. Bring me to life... good song. Evanesence brings it to life so well. My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold. I'm more than a drone. I have a purpose, a soul... breathe into me and make me real. How can one call my name to awaken me if I don't even know my name?
I used to be so patient. I lose my patience to others' ignorance, excuses, and arrogance. The warrior within that knows the truth in a few matters wants to fight lies, yet I must have patience and restraint. These are hard to have when I am constantly frustrated. My inner power is drained by frustration and lack of being able to call upon it in need. I am not the ninja nor the spirit warrior I used to be.
Godde, call my real name. I must know. My real self's exile is killing me. Is this really my lot in life, to suffer not even for your glory, but simply for the sake of suffering? I am spiritually jailed. Let me out... please? Call my name and save me from the dark!

[BlackMagicalCat]

Bless this precious soul Lord,Show her your might,show her your glory,draw her to yourself,make yourself known to her,as you did to moses,when you called him and told him to remove his shoes,because he was standing on holy ground.Burn away with your holy fire,any confusion the enemy sends her way.Send instruction and your precious word into her heart,and let it sink into her spirit,and write your word on the table of her heart,sanctify her life for yourself,set her apart for your service,give her Godly wisdom,wisdom that comes from above.

Give her insite and discernment,teach her to pray,and when she prays,answer her speedily.Place a hedge of protection around her like you did for Job,and fill her with your love,thankyou for her as a friend,in Jesus name,I pray,Amen

[Ninjakitten]

Bless this precious soul Lord,Show her your might,show her your glory,draw her to yourself,make yourself known to her,as you did to moses,when you called him and told him to remove his shoes,because he was standing on holy ground.Burn away with your holy fire,any confusion the enemy sends her way.Send instruction and your precious word into her heart,and let it sink into her spirit,and write your word on the table of her heart,sanctify her life for yourself,set her apart for your service,give her Godly wisdom,wisdom that comes from above.

Give her insite and discernment,teach her to pray,and when she prays,answer her speedily.Place a hedge of protection around her like you did for Job,and fill her with your love,thankyou for her as a friend,in Jesus name,I pray,Amen

Thank you, Azzeenasman. Your prayer was so nice and needed that it's making me cry. Thank you. I pray they don't ban you over your last few posts on MW (yes, I've been watching).

[Ninjakitten]

Why can't I just shut up about the facts on smoking? I know I'm going to get on the nerves of someone that smokes by telling them in scientific terms that they have no excuse for exposing me or other victims to the poisons, simply because "they want to". I know what is right, but I can't shut up about it on this issue. Now I have someone that is in SCA pissed at me, and he usually seems like a cool guy, too. If only I didn't jump in on the conversation, I wouldn't have opened myself up to having the facts challenged, and then feeling like I need to defend them because I'm the one with the science background and research savvy to interpret things to people.

I hate this burden, and I don't want Eldric Dragonsblood pissed at me over this. I guess I'll find out how forgiving he is if he decides to not give me bad karma. He actually got me so wound up that I'm now having a glass of wine to calm down over his accusations of me. I know it's his passion for his drug of choice. I see it constantly with my friends and family, and they are the ones that KNOW I have the background I do, and they still do the same thing. Ask for evidence, and then no matter what I do or how much I give them, it's somehow "manipulated", like I couldn't tell the difference with my chemistry background from school and my years of working on an FTIR and a UV machine for spectral analysis of chemical solutions, as well as my recent work in gas chromatography and a more advanced FTIR... Oh, shut up Jenn!

I guess it's for the same reasons the people around here don't drive cars very often, and try to use alternative transportation. They don't want to throw their money at the evil oil companies any more than I like seeing everyone I know throwing their money at the tobacco industry that tears down rainforests and uses chemicals on the plants that are harmful and illegal to us in the U.S. and seeing the farming families bring their little children to work them with no protection. Or maybe it's because I used to get paid $12.56/hr to get exposed to chemicals, and now I'm just getting crap by getting exposed to them, and no medical benefits to boot.

Please help Eldric and I make peace. I didn't want to offend him. You, Godde, know I don't like to offend, because when someone is offended, they close their minds to the truth and only see what they want to see. The harm is not knowing this and so you can't control it. I've done well in controlling it over the cigarette issue, but now I've got someone so mad he's accusing me of "bad science". Please give us peace. I don't want a fellow SCAdian to be mad at me. I love my SCAdian bretheren, and I love my MW bretheren, and he is both (and kinda cool looking, too, if that avatar is him). Please give him the peace of mind to see the truth about the grip smoking has on him so he can be free of it. Most smokers want to quit. I don't know if he does, but if he does, give him the strength to be free from the slavery that evil version of a sacred plant brings. Also, help Ben's family in that same struggle, and with their pact to finally rid themselves of tobacco's stranglehold.

And please PLEASE give me peace in knowing that I don't have to fight individual or group battles on this issue. It's so hard for me to hold the truth in when I know so much about it. Please let me have restraint. I don't want to earn being banned from here. MW is all I have left now. Oh, and in case I didn't mention it enough, please let Eldric not hate me over our argument. It's not like I've ever influenced public policy or made it myself that would affect his legal ability (not a right) to smoke. Please let me not feel obliged to answer his next heated response, which I'm afraid he will take offense to, but I really didn't mean offense because I never wanted to attack him. Heck, let him read this so he knows where I'm coming from. Guide him here (um, preferrably before he gives me the negative karma I probably deserve at this point, which will hurt a lot).

[Ninjakitten]

Well, after my last post here, and after my glass of wine to calm my nerves, I ended up crying myself to sleep for half an hour. I guess the accusations by Eldrich were the straw that broke the camels back for me and I just broke down. It's not really his fault. That's what I get for going into Political Pagan. Why can't I handle it? The truth is on my side (otherwise I wouldn't bother posting) and is incontestable. Why did I let him get to me?

I guess everything has come to a head, and I can't handle too much anymore. Stress of work (cleaning up irresponsible students' apartments), stress of being alone because of Ben going home for the next 15 months, stress of not having made very many friends in this area, money stress, and now being accused of being everything that violates my religious path... the only part that has transcended whatever faith (or lack thereof) I have taken on. I know he's wrong. I've been studying the smoking issue since I started studying the sciences, and I wasn't even pissed off back then about people smoking around me (though my allergies were getting worse, until one day my breathing totally stopped from inhaling cigarette smoke outdoors... not harmful my ass!). So why did he get to me? Is it because I've heard the illogic from my dad, and now I'm hearing the same tobacco industry arguments again? Suddenly, the only rights someone has are to smoke, and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (not property) are suddenly second?

I just wish they would ban it already. But then, the government is more in Big Tobacco's pocket than in Big Oil's pocket, and so my rights will always be second to drug addiction. And, no, I can't just deal with that.

[Ninjakitten]

Godde, please be with me and send your angels (or others within Creation) to guide me. Depression has killed in my family before. Send me the means to treat mine before mine sends me into the Abyss far enough to where I can't find my way back. You are the Truth and the Light. Please shine so even I can see it from where I am at. Please answer my prayers so I at least know you are listening, at least a little prayer so I know you are just not answering them because you know something I don't.

[BlackMagicalCat]

Bless You heart my beloved friend,I know just How ya feel,You my precoius friend,stood by my side like a true warrior,ill gladly karmalize you every chance I get,I owe you.And the gov. cant bann smoking because they are making to much money on the taxes they make off every pack sold.Give me your taxes and let me kill you .Well,I am your servant and friend,Im still here and havent been banned,so ill stand with you as your friend and servant.

I feel God saying that because you stood for me,you stood for him,even though I am the least of his servants,and because you helped me,you helped God,so God says he will stand for you,and he will help you,and will draw you to himself,and will place his love around you as a hedge.God will make himself known to you in a much greater way,and he will send his insite and wisdom into your heart in an even greater way.

Because you recieved the knowledge and wisdom he sent,you will be given more.To him that has,shall more be given,but to him that has not,even that they seem to have will be taken away.The Lord your God is with you to deliver you,his hand is upon you,he will not forsake or abandon you,he will quide you with his Holy Spirit,when trouble rises against you,the Lord will be your champion,to fight for you.

Thankyou Lord for this brave soul,It is an honor to have her as my friend,amen.

[Ninjakitten]

Azzy, something about your words rings of Godde speaking through you in a way that it seems like he/she is speaking to me again. This reminds me of when I recieved the Crown of the Saints for a deed that I did a few years ago. It is the same feeling, minus the sensation of the Crown being placed on me. I know my heart is hardened right now. I have become calloused, at least I feel like I have. I know I should know better.

My callousness led to my spat with Eldrich (I'm sure he will say at least partially otherwise, but I could have ended it if in my right mind). I want to thank Godde for allowing him and I to have peace between us again, and I want to thank Eldrich for having an honorable heart to take responsibility for his part in it... though being someone who (even well before I was a Christian, so noone can blame that one) puts herself on constant guilt trips, I still blame myself more than I blame him. Bless him, Lord and Lady, for making me feel better in my time of need.

Lord and Lady, please also bless Azzy. Between him and Ben (my boyfriend for those who are reading this), they have been the earthly Angels you have sent to keep my in your ways, at least when I let them. Thank you for showing yourself through them. Thank you also for showing the heart of Christ through my brothers and sisters here on MysticWicks, even if they are unaware that they are following you because of some cognitive thing that blocks them from seeing who you really are. At least I know that they are loved by you and are not condemned because I know their spirits know and follow you. They don't put your name to the things they do, but I know that they subconciously follow you, and have all helped me strive to be a better person, and therefore to be closer to you. Thank you, and please send a strong blessing to everyone on Mystic Wicks for the blessings they give me by letting me be part of their family, and especially bless Azzy and Eldrich for showing me positive attention, and, while I'm at it, AuntBooPeaceFrog for being there for Azzy when he needs it and for being his blessing.

[Ninjakitten]

Godde, thank you for the short time I was able to be friends with Flar7 and Aine of the Fae. It comes as a stunning blow for me this weekend that they are gone. Please be with their survivors, including and especially Freyja during this time. My heart is breaking for her. I keep imagining if I was in the situation and that it was Ben telling me it was his time to go. I don't think I could handle that, not without you. And so I pray for you to be with her now. Let her know you are there. Let her see signs that you are thinking of her, and that Flar7 is okay now. Let her know he is free of pain, but that she needn't miss him because he is still around, just in a higher state with you. Bring ease to her soul. Amen.

[Ninjakitten]

I've had so much stupid things to be miserable about my whole life that sometimes I think "it's too good to be true" when something nice comes along. This past week, I was told something along the lines of not having to worry so much about work anymore, at least for quite a while. Ben seems to be about to make plenty of money back home. Are you actually delivering me from one of my worst worries? Do I really not have to worry anymore? Are you actually providing for me as much as I'm asking for? I'm not used to that. I'm used to you keeping me on the edge of sanity. I admit, Godde, I have lost trust in you. Yet I don't abandon you. I curse you often (I wish my faith was stronger and my anger was nonexistent like it used to be when I was younger). I don't like being so bad as to do that. I know I should know better. Are you actually helping me? Please show me I really have little to worry about because things are in your hands AND you have my best interests in mind. I hate that I have lost my past innocent patience and being slow to anger. That was before I knew you. That was before you cast a sphere around me to shield me from this world while you spoke to me, and addressed my concerns of the time. I wish you would do that for me again, or do I have to be in a blind emotional rage towards feeling betrayed again? No. You did it at another time when I did something and wasn't expecting for you to reveal my eternal rewards to me. "To the least of these..." I want to reconnect with my spiritual side. I just feel spiritually empty right now. I don't like that. I don't like that the only reason I haven't walked away is because I've had experiences I can't deny with you. What kind of "faith" is that? Faith is supposed to be evidence of things not seen, according to the Bible (I think... I heard), but I saw you. I didn't see Jesus... well, I didn't really see "you" either, but I saw what I could only see as an angel, and I've seen them since as well, just not recently. You used to tell me you were proud of me. Are you still proud of me, or are my prayers an abomination unto you? You know my main goal in life is to strive to always do the right thing. I'm confused. What is the right thing? Please tell me. You made me this way, now take advantage of it... please? All paths lead to one? Multi-faceted God? God amongst other gods? One and only true God? I can't deny the Jesus thing and what he accomplished. My friends who act in the Christ spirit are saved, right, even if they unknowingly (unconsciously) walk with him? Heck, am I walking with him myself right now. For the love of you, please don't tell me fundamentalists are right. They spew too much hate for me to believe they follow Jesus. I just don't know what is right anymore. I've got my beliefs, and I'm sure somewhere I'm wrong about you. I just hope what I believe is good enough for you to accept me. I hope that someone's bad experiences that lead them to wrong conclusions isn't enough to damn them to seperation from you for eternity. Make me someone who can try to understand you more. Let me know what you want me to do... somehow.

[Ninjakitten]

Godde, I want to pray for my friend Azzy. He has apparently lost his job recently. I'm sure it is part of your plan for him. I ask that you watch over him and help him to find a better job soon.

[Ninjakitten]

Godde, why am I having so many anxiety attacks lately? My heart is pounding, even when I'm sitting at the computer at home and trying to relax, my body acts like I'm running a marathon. Please relieve me of this anxiety, whatever is causing it. Jesus, send me your healing in my time of need, and help me to be closer to you. I've also been somewhat lost lately. Please guide me. I don't like feeling lost, nonspiritual, and even nonhuman (in that case because of my lack of sex drive). Pleas heal me. In your name I pray.

[Ninjakitten]

I fear I went overboard today on my criticism of Paul. I'd like to say it was only because I am sick, and woozy, and downright miserable physically, but I think that just sped up where I was starting to go. I know much of what Paul said was inspired by you, Godde, though I know you have also showed me that some habits are hard to break and that he sometimes reflected that in his letters.

After Lord Helmet kind of set me straight, I looked back at what I posted that got the debate heated a bit, and I can now see I strayed even from my own normal feelings about Paul's writings in the Bible. I normally am not so hostile towards Paul. You know that. But I've been getting increasingly hostile towards him, like I used to be towards Christianity in general. Am I backsliding? Let me not forget. I want to be close to you, and I thank you for giving Lord Helmet the right words to say to me to keep me in check, and for giving me such a thirst for the truth that I was not angered by how he said the truth. Let me not forget the things you have done in my life, the love you have shown me, and the love that Jesus showed the world.

Lord, give me patience, and give it to me now! I kid, sort of. I guess I just want to know everything NOW and can't stand that I know nothing at all. You made me a seeker of that which is true. Okay. You are the only one that knows what is actually true. How can I ever truly comprehend what is true with this feeble fleshy brain and a tainted spirit unless you tell me? How can I even know when you are telling me? Heck, I even go by mere assumption and human written Scripture that you wouldn't lie to me. Give me Discernment. Let me be able to Discern between good and evil, truth and lie, right and wrong. You know which side I want to be on, but I don't really know how. Many think I do, but I'm just human.

Maybe I'm asking not to be human. I know the things you have told me about me and about my ultimate destiny after I die, but what about right now? How can I spread the truth when you won't let me know what that is. I know you are too loving of all of your Creation for me to believe "the Church" has it all right. Bingen? You mean Hildegaard of Bingen? Am I just imagining a pull to read about her or are you trying to tell me something? I guess it wouldn't hurt to read about her. Oh, and while you're at it, which Bible is the best one for me to read...? Not answering that one, hunh? Heh. Didn't think so. Despite my attitude sometimes, Godde, I really do love you. I just wish I knew you better.

[Ninjakitten]

I have a philosophy. It typically involves being slow to anger because I thirst for truth coming from any source. If someone tells me that it is wrong to hurt an innocent child, but tells me in a way I don't like, or hurts innocent children themselves, did what they say suddenly become a lie? I don't think so. I guess it serves me well that I don't like confrontation, and yet it's not issues that are confrontational that I confront, it's the concept of confrontation itself I confront. Sometimes people bounce ideas off of others like bouncing a small beach ball off the other person's shoulder. Other's bounce ideas as if they're playing dodgeball, throw the idea hard enough to where the other person can't catch it and throw it back. I guess I choose to catch and contemplate and then toss it back.

When I get angry in a discussion, my mind closes. I don't like that. I don't like seeing that in others, either. Discussion stops when the ego takes over and tells a person he/she just got personally attacked by words, and a defensive wall goes up. I don't like hitting my head on a brick wall. I really don't like being the brick wall itself. I might miss out on a bit of truth by doing that. I know I sometimes do anyway. I guess I can only say "oh, well" to that and move on, and hope not to miss out next time.

Learning the truth is learning about both Creation and the Divine. How can anyone want to let their pride and emotions get in the way of that? I don't understand. Maybe that's why I'm becoming a scientist. Scientists fearlessly tread into the unknown to seek truth (unless someone talks about something they don't have instruments to measure yet, like Godde or magic). I seek it further than most scientists. I don't know a lot of scientists that have much respect for magic users. He he. They can't really deny that flimsy little me defys what we know of physics and breaks bricks with scrawny weak hands, though. "There's got to be some sort of scientific explanation for that". I'm sure there will be. Now where's my chi-nonmeter... measures in chilowaats?

Okay, now I'm getting goofy so I'm going to stop this pondering for now.

[Ninjakitten]

I feel like you've turned your back on me again. I'm trying to hard to follow the path you liad out before me, yet I feel like every step down that path you've thrown tree branches on top of my head. It's only so long that I can have faith that you are willing to show me love and look out for me before I get hurt enough to stop sticking my hand on the burner. Is that what you want? After all, I'm trying to find out the truth. Is my faith in you stupid to have? Can I have faith in you, that you love me enough to get me through this crisis? It's not like you've equipped me to handle it myself, so I've got to assume that you are going to pull off one of those last minute nice things (allowing me to stress and suffer in the meantime, which I also can't afford) or you won't pull through for me (further lowering my trust that you really have my best interests in mind). You don't even try to give me reassurance anymore. You just leave me in my Hell to rot. I guess I'll at the very least stay here until I know the answer. I'll give you that mustard seed of faith.

[Ninjakitten]

Wow! I wasn't expecting an answer so soon on my problem, much less a positive one. Thank you, Godde! Praises be to your name! I'm sorry about my tone earlier, as with my lack of faith. I've said that before, I know. I'm sorry I find it so hard to trust even you. I guess I have my answers to what I asked before. Please be with me as I meditate, and show me how I can be closer to you. I'm sick of my flawed mind not allowing me to be close to you. I'm sick of being so wrong in my perceptions that I can't see you, even with my heart. I'm sorry. I do love you, but fear of the unknown isn't allowing me to show it. Hold me.

[Ninjakitten]

I'm stressed. I'm trying to get a grip on my emotions, but something is wrong. PMS is setting in, and I cannot find peace. All of these assignments I have to do, finals coming up, needing to throw out my roommate's boyfriend because he brings his ghetto street trash attitude into our place... that's going to be hard because of his disabilities and not knowing anyone in this area, but we have to. We can't sacrifice the three of us roommates for the one of him and his drama. Even this vacation from him isn't enough.

Help us get a new roommate. One of our roommates is leaving Dec. 15th (once again, I was silly enough to take in someone that's graduating at the end of a semester, but I guess that says something about what I've created here), and we can't find a roommate. Help me find someone that will be here more than a semester, and is going to be a good roommate.

Please help me find peace. I used to be so peaceful. Now I lack peace so much I curse you at the slightest thing... I feel like you guide me to do things just to make me feel pain at times. Please help. Please let the tarot reading that I recieved on Samhain be a message from you, as was the casting of lots a message from you to the apostles when they had to choose one to replace Judas. Please guide me to where you want me to go and who you really want me to be. I'm at a loss. I want to know "the truth". Please guide me to the truths that I need to know in my life. You, being all knowing (or much more knowing than me at the very least) know better as to what I really need to know. Don't let me be lied to, don't let me lie, let my facts be based on the truth and not on poor scholarship or holes in knowledge that I feel like filling for the hell of it.

Guide me in my research of all things. Guide me to a spiritual path you wish me to be on. Is the Order of the Mithral Star really where you've been wanting me to go? Is that the next step in my search for truth? Is truth really confince to different orders and religions, or is the truth spread out and hidden within all as I think they do? Please... PLEASE guide me! I hunger and thirst for only what is true, and I am dying of starvation! Let the spiritual quest I am supposed to go on this year be a revelation to what you want me to do and where you want me to go!

[Ninjakitten]

Lord Yahweh, Lady Sophia, please hear me in the name of your Son Jesus! I know what you told me to do in coming up here to go to school and to help other members of your wonderous Creation not have their species pass from this Earth. I know that you told me to turn my world upside down, so I can learn from the sciences about your Creation so I can teach my fellow Christians to have respect for the way you have Created the world. Please, I beg of you, bless me with the things that I need to continue on this path, including financial help (whether or not that means my continuing to work as a cleaner) and emotional help (the demon that is depression rearing it's ugly head again). You have designed me so that I can't handle this emotional stress I'm under. I have depression. Please help me stave it off and seek the right help this time so that I won't pass into the night unfulfilled in my life. If I do pass, I hope you will still welcome me in your loving arms and forgive my lack of faith in your provision. I keep getting told that you will not test me beyond my abilities. I guess that since I still draw breath, for now, that that is true. Please stop torturing me! All I need is to do better at work, and all I ask is for the ability to do better! I am not used to doing poorly in any aspect of any job. Please show me that I will not be left alone. The Samhain tarot reading said that this would stop being a problem, and until this week that seemed true. I know I sensed you giving me guidance during that tarot reading. Please don't tell me you lied to me. Please tell me that what you showed me was true. Please help.

[Ninjakitten]

The stress is so unbearable! Now I have hypertension! Great! Why did you let someone slip through the cracks in my interview process for roommates, knowing I can't just throw out (as many times as I've tried) someone that is the significant other of one of my roommates and suffering from Diabetes? I don't deserve this! You say you are proud of how I've handled the situation. Thanks for the reward. I can really have faith that you are looking out for me now <sarcasm>. At this point, PLEASE just banish at least the low lifes that keep coming in here with their evil cigarettes (even though they don't light them, the evil is intolerable) and let noone bring evil in here again. Let me heal!

[Ninjakitten]

Thank you Godde! I never expected that you would give me a house to do your work in while I am going to school! Sure, I have to work my butt off for it, but I still didn't expect this to be possible! I guess through you all things really can happen! I'm sure this is a reward for doing your will recently, and I'd have to say that it was worth it yet again! Praise be unto you! Glory to the Highest!