Meddlers annoynomous

[-Ember]

Hello, my name is -Ember and I am a meddler.....

I want to quit, and just don't know how. So, any meddlers out there with some advice? Especially recovering or recovered meddlers.

Thing is, I was raised to meddle. I've been family peacemaker for my whole life. I've been the one to mediate in any family dispuite at least since jr high, and I've been the one to facilitate reconciliation for longer. I blame myself for my parent's marriage lasting as long as it did (I talked my father into at least making a show of trying to work with my mother, and my mother into accepting that he was trying, several times when I probably should have just stayed out of the way and let her file the papers.) I "translated" for my sister, because I could talk to my parents and present her case in a way that seemed reasonable. Etc. Any family fight and both sides would run to me to "make" the other person "understand".

A problem I'm finding with quitting: where do you set the new boundries? It doesn't seem right to stay out of it completely when family is hurting, and I can't do the lines of "let them ask you for help" because they are used to having me do more than I should and do ask. Do I just stand back and let them self distruct because they can't work things out because they've gotten reliant on me? Do I try to ease them out of it? Only meddle in important things?

Problem two: what do you do to resist the urge to meddle? I really do feel guilty for not stepping in. I keep catching myself. Maybe a rubberband on the wrist to snap each time?

Problem three: what do you do with the big problems? How do you stand by and watch someone you care about get hurt bad when you know you could have meddled and spared them at least some of it?

Anyone else trying to quit and got problems they've run into? Any who've quit and have suggestions?

[Faeawyn]

I can't advise you on this subject, cuz I'd be meddling :D

[-Ember]

:nyah:

[Psypress]

Oh, I'm a meddler, too, Ember.
Foh Shizzle (that's "for sure" in Snoop Doggy language, in case you didn't catch that.)
I like medding, though. I'll step in when I think it's appropriate. And I don't wait for my cue, either.
So, if you want advice on how NOT to meddle? Beats me! Meddle away, I say! Unless you are feeling over-burdene, or people are irritated by you. You'll have to gauge that on your own. If you are feeling overwhelmed with responsibility, I say put whatever issue it is on the back-burner and get to it later. That's what I do with any low-priority things-to-meddle-in "to-do" list. I'm sure you have one of those, right? :)
But seriously, I don't know how NOT to meddle. It's what I do. :twitch:

[sarabethv]

Heh. I'm a recovering meddleholic myself. Sounds like you have been placed in a position you don't like. Instead of actually meddling you are being asked to help in some cases and are trying to in others. If you really want to quit then what you have to do is sit down with each family member in whatever way is comfortable for you and then honestly tell them that you want to quit and why. Make sure before you do this that you know why yourself and that you also know how far you are willing to go in the future. You must be comfortable with your boundaries. One solution for future assistance, instead of being a go-between become a facilitator. What that means in that instead of telling them what they want to hear until they get back together and telling one side to the other. Get them together on neutral ground and simply help them to keep on course of talking to each other. Set some guidelines for their conversation and assist where necessary but don't do the talking FOR them.

Also, remember that although you may be trying to spare them pain, it may be needed pain. (This does not apply to kids running toward the street). Pain is part of the growth process and what you are doing is called enabling. You are keeping them from realizing the consequences of their own actions which by the way is not a favor to them. Yeah it is hard. I do sometimes meddle, but I have gotten much better than I used to be. How? Constant reminders that the person in question will be better for having made their own decisions and experiencing the consequences. This applies to my own son, so I know how difficult it is to do this. It is hard to watch them fall. So, my advice on how to do that - hard as it is step back. If it requires not talking to them for a few days, or being unavailable for a time then go ahead and do that. Disconnect the phone - tell people you need some "away" time. If you are feeling meddlesome then pm me and we can set up a support network. :lilangel: