Lucidia
October 30th, 2001, 06:25 PM
if you don't already know me (i used to be a moderator/frequent visitor), then this probably won't make much sense, or possibly matter to you.
i left a while ago. people were kinda... getting closeminded. i don't know if anything changed.
i just owe some people an explanation, and some information on what is going on.
Kaylara. you are my sister. forever. you know that... although i haven't really been being much a sister lately....
My marriage is on the verge of collapse. i realize, as i've tried to admit before, although people argue that i'm wrong, and that i'm not really as screwed up as I say that i am, that I really have problems.
It's not that I've decieved anyone.. it's just that i don't really show parts of my true self to people.
I'm very bitter, and jealous, and insecure. It's all very true. Please don't try and say that i'm not, i am not looking for pity, or complements, or anything of that sort. I am being as mature and adult as I can, and I am admitting that I was wrong for many of my past actions.
I have simultaneously been paranoid that my marriage would fail, while doing EVERYTHING possible to make it fail. I have been so stupid, it's incredible. I guess it proves that having a high iq doesn't really matter, and that life experience is more important than any stupid book can be.
Kaylara.... you stood by me all the way, and I still pushed you, and traz, and dellit, and kenny away. I let my stupid-ness push me away from all of you. It was really my fault. It's complicated, but please believe me.
Traz, thank you for introducing me to kaylara, and dellit and kenny. they are some of the coolest people i've ever met.
Dellit, thanks for being so supportive, i know that you've been one of my true friends.
Kenny... i didn't have enough time to get to know you properly, but you've always been really cool, and I know that someday, given the proper chance, you'll prove my impressions true.
My marriage may fail still. I dont' know. we are taking a break from it. My life was too complicated to keep working as a moderator here... and my personal life caused me to make some painful decisions about my associations.
please understand that it had nothing to do with how much i cared about anyone. i just had to go through what i put him through. understand that he DESTROYED friendships for me.. not just pushed them aside. he literally destroyed his social life because he thought it would make me happy.
the truth is, that i need therapy. i needs lots and lots of therapy. and i have no idea when i'll actually be "sane".
but i love you guys.. and i just wanted to tell you that its' not anything you did, or didn't do, that made me dissapear.
and please dont' hate gene. it's not his fault either. he only did what i was doing back to me.
i nearly pushed him away altogether. and he didn't say i couldn't see you guys... he just said that if he couldn't hang out with anyone who fit into the catagory of "people we'd slept with, fooled around with, liked, or thought that we were attractive", that i should really stick to my side of the bargain, when i hadn't at all.
i had to push myself away from everyone, because i knew that i couldn't just choose some people that i coudl still talk to, and then not talk to others. it just wouldn't have worked.
i feel horrible. i understand if none of you ever want to talk to me again
i just don't want you to take it out on gene, or hate him because of it. it's not his fault. it's mine.
i love you guys. forever.
if you want to find me.. you know where i am
i left a while ago. people were kinda... getting closeminded. i don't know if anything changed.
i just owe some people an explanation, and some information on what is going on.
Kaylara. you are my sister. forever. you know that... although i haven't really been being much a sister lately....
My marriage is on the verge of collapse. i realize, as i've tried to admit before, although people argue that i'm wrong, and that i'm not really as screwed up as I say that i am, that I really have problems.
It's not that I've decieved anyone.. it's just that i don't really show parts of my true self to people.
I'm very bitter, and jealous, and insecure. It's all very true. Please don't try and say that i'm not, i am not looking for pity, or complements, or anything of that sort. I am being as mature and adult as I can, and I am admitting that I was wrong for many of my past actions.
I have simultaneously been paranoid that my marriage would fail, while doing EVERYTHING possible to make it fail. I have been so stupid, it's incredible. I guess it proves that having a high iq doesn't really matter, and that life experience is more important than any stupid book can be.
Kaylara.... you stood by me all the way, and I still pushed you, and traz, and dellit, and kenny away. I let my stupid-ness push me away from all of you. It was really my fault. It's complicated, but please believe me.
Traz, thank you for introducing me to kaylara, and dellit and kenny. they are some of the coolest people i've ever met.
Dellit, thanks for being so supportive, i know that you've been one of my true friends.
Kenny... i didn't have enough time to get to know you properly, but you've always been really cool, and I know that someday, given the proper chance, you'll prove my impressions true.
My marriage may fail still. I dont' know. we are taking a break from it. My life was too complicated to keep working as a moderator here... and my personal life caused me to make some painful decisions about my associations.
please understand that it had nothing to do with how much i cared about anyone. i just had to go through what i put him through. understand that he DESTROYED friendships for me.. not just pushed them aside. he literally destroyed his social life because he thought it would make me happy.
the truth is, that i need therapy. i needs lots and lots of therapy. and i have no idea when i'll actually be "sane".
but i love you guys.. and i just wanted to tell you that its' not anything you did, or didn't do, that made me dissapear.
and please dont' hate gene. it's not his fault either. he only did what i was doing back to me.
i nearly pushed him away altogether. and he didn't say i couldn't see you guys... he just said that if he couldn't hang out with anyone who fit into the catagory of "people we'd slept with, fooled around with, liked, or thought that we were attractive", that i should really stick to my side of the bargain, when i hadn't at all.
i had to push myself away from everyone, because i knew that i couldn't just choose some people that i coudl still talk to, and then not talk to others. it just wouldn't have worked.
i feel horrible. i understand if none of you ever want to talk to me again
i just don't want you to take it out on gene, or hate him because of it. it's not his fault. it's mine.
i love you guys. forever.
if you want to find me.. you know where i am