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Thread: How did you decide to have kids? Or not to have them?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
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    How did you decide to have kids? Or not to have them?

    Basically that. I go back and forth about it, and I'm not getting anywhere. Are there questions I could be asking myself that might help me decide?
    I'll put a spell on you;
    You'll fall asleep, and I'll put a spell on you.
    And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
    And you'll realize that you love me.
    Aqualung (Strange & Beautiful)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
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    St. Louis
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    1,101
    I have always wanted children, even when I was a little girl.... at some point in my life. When I was in my late 20's I had a very serious miscarriage and was told I would never have kids. When my oldest was born 2 years later he was the greatest blessing I thought I'd never have.

    I think some people get to a point in their life that they want a child so badly they can taste it.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    Green and fertile Bible Belt land
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    289
    1. Am I responsible enough to create a miniature version of myself that will share my genetic faults, require all of my attention, time, and money, probably put me in debt, remove me from my usual social sphere and into a child-safe one that removes my ability to curse, have sex when I feel like it, nap, watch rated R movies, go on dates, have free time, or go shopping just for myself? Am I prepared to sacrifice my love life, work myself to the bone, and watch my child have all the things I didn't get to because I gave it all up to have a child?

    2. Do I have the financial resources available to fund the venture of creating a child, one that needs much more than I do and a future prepared for it in the terms of not only finance but of great personal expense? Is my job secure, do I have a secure home? Do I have a partner, do I need one?

    3. Should I really bring a child into a world like this?

    (I answer "no" to every question, myself.)
    Last edited by Heliotrope; February 24th, 2012 at 04:11 PM.
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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
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    Deep Into My Writing
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    When I was in my teens, I wanted children but by my early 20s, I really thought I didn't want any. I wanted a career, be able to go and do what I wanted when I wanted to and just ride life on the seat of my pants.

    However, not long before my husband and I got married, we talked about having children at some point or another. We kept our minds open and said we'd possibly try before I turned 35. If it happened it happened kind of thing.

    I got pregnant unexpectedly not long after my 29th birthday (Hubby and I were married almost 2 years at the time). I kinda thought I was on day 17 of my cycle but in reality was only on day 10.... It was a HUGE "OOPS!" and I was very surprised!! I had started my job at the clothing store not even a month before I found out I was pregnant and thought that being tired all of the time was due to my body adjusting to being on my feet 6 to 8 hours a day!!! (WRONG!!) Since abortion is not an option I would consider for myself (I don't care if others have them though!), I had to get used to the idea of becoming a mother and I started adjusting to staying home a lot more. Thankfully my boss at the time was cool with things as long as I could continue to do my job without hurting myself (she said I was one of the hardest working people she had ever employed!) and I worked right up until I was put on bed rest due to some complications.

    Son will be 8 this coming May... I wouldn't change my life now for the world, he's an amazing kid and brings so much laughter to our home. I'm enjoying him more since I got laid off from the clothing store back in 07 and have been a very happy stay at home mother. Son may not have been planned but he was and still is very wanted.

    However, what's right for me may not be right for everyone else out there. If you don't think you want a child, or are unsure, my advice is to don't have one.
    "Writing is as vital to me as breathing. Without it, I wouldn't be living, only exisiting." ~ Me

    Cloaky

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Huntsville, AL
    Age
    38
    Posts
    67
    I have never wanted children. Never. I didn't even play with dolls as a child. I have no maternal feelings towards human babies (in fact I find them really unappealing). So breeding would be a bad idea for me. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. Plain and simple.

    If I DID feel the need to have a human baby, I would adopt.

    I just think the rest of the population is doing enough breeding and doesn't need my contribution. Some of us choosing not to reproduce gives the planet a breather. Perhaps people like me are a natural population control mechanism.

    I could talk about all the good things that come with being child-free, but those are just added bonuses. The actual reason is just the fact that I don't want any!

    After we move and settle in to our new home, my hubby is planning on getting sterilized (I'm talking about getting it done as well, and then the two of us throwing a party to celebrate).

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Milky Way
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    34
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    244
    I had always imagined my life with children... because it's something you did. When I was 19, I was told I would never conceive. So I reserved to finding happiness without them and was totally fine. Therefore, several years later after I was married, established with a career and ready to think about it.. I was on the fence. I had spent half of my 20's with my husband and childless and we were having a blast. But there was a pull to have children with him. I was torn. The FREEDOM of being childless or have a child?

    For us, it came down to fears. Would we be good enough? Would we be loving enough? Would we be attentive enough? How would we feel about losing all our free time? How would we feel about each other after? Would we forget how to have fun and become boring and tired? Would we grow apart and too attached to our children? Would I lose myself and who I am? I saw so many reasons to NOT have kids and wonderful reasons to have them. I decided to leave it up in the air.

    We visited my sister-in-law after having her second child and it was like a light-bulb. We went home that day and looked at each other simultaneously and said "I think we can do this." Boom. My daughter was conceived. No issues. NO problems. And we couldn't be happier. She's now almost 4. We're different in a loving way. We didn't grow a part because after the little one goes to bed, we make sure to spend time together most nights doing things we love - so we don't really feel like we lost any part of ourselves, we love each other more (even though the first few months of having a baby was exhausting and straining), we don't go out as much or travel as much as others but we know its not forever. Things we were afraid of turned out to be silly. Things we cared about, we work on and realize one day she will be self-sufficient and won't need us as much. I find comfort in this. It means I'm not going to be dependent on my children for happiness. That my husband and I are not growing a part through our children. That I find joy in her and love her more than anything and as much as my husband.. but when she grows up and leaves us.. we'll be happy too. I haven't lost myself to my kid.

    This is in no way criticizing anyone who doesn't want children. I admire those that state they don't because they're being HONEST and I don't think people who choose not to have children are selfish... But I would feel selfish if I didn't have my daughter.
    As it turns out, I only ever wanted one.. until now. My husband and I have been on the fence about wanting another kid. All the same fears creep up all over again. Can we devote TWICE the time? blah blah blah. When we wrote down our fears, we were being lazy and selfish compared to the joy we had with our first, that our second could bring. My brother was killed 6 weeks ago and it felt like our family was halved. He was too young to have a family of his own. Overwhelmingly again, my husband and I looked at each other and said, "We have to have another one. Our fears are stupid compared to the love of having a family." So this July, I'll be trying again

    Your reasons to or not to are personal. No one else can you help you decide. I think if you're established, independent and can see your life won't really change much beyond this point... then you have to get real with your fears. Are they rational (I'll never be free again = irrational)? Are they things you could be wrong about (It takes up so much time, I'll never have time for myself = wrong)? Are they things you might have to work through (My husband and I will grow a part = not if you work on it)? Good luck

    Edit: I wanted to add to the misconception of "Have to give to your children, while you go without" -- If its something you really want, you budget for it and get it. Your kids do not need EVERYTHING they want. Things they need, yes you go without. BUt I'll let you in on a little secret.. if you decide to have children and items creep up they need, you WANT to give it to them. You don't feel like you're going without. It sounds more valiant to say, "Yes, I give to my kids and go without." -- but really, I could care less about 'going without'. That's one of the funny changes after having kids.
    Last edited by Adalai; February 25th, 2012 at 09:59 AM.
    I am... Witchy Woman Incognito
    “Although only breath, words which I command are immortal.” - Sappho



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    WNYS
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    48
    I knew from the earliest I can remember that I did NOT want kids. Never got that "awww" broody feeling people get around babies. Didn't like dolls. None of it.
    As I got older, I got sick. And to have a child I would have to stop my meds, so that was out of the question. Even now as I'm getting older, my biological clock has never ticked even once. I knew I could barely take care of myself and had no desire or ability to take care of someone else who would depend on me totally.

    The funny thing is that I ended up with a guy who has a daughter who lives with us three days a week. So despite my best efforts, I ended up in a mother role anyway.
    "I believe in peace, bitch."
    - Tori Amos

    "Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys give them thumbs they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery. Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here."
    - Tool

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    NY State
    Posts
    7,071
    I never had particular feelings about it growing up, but when I hit 21, I got "baby rabies." I'm over that now and back to having no idea what I want. I realize it's not fair to have a kid unless it's really wanted, so I'm going to stick with "no" until something changes.
    I'll put a spell on you;
    You'll fall asleep, and I'll put a spell on you.
    And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
    And you'll realize that you love me.
    Aqualung (Strange & Beautiful)

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    NYC ChefWitch & food psycho
    Age
    48
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    11,475
    I was never on the fence, I always knew I didn't want children. Of course, my first off the books job was as a babysitter and I was damned good at it, but it really did enforce the 'no way' for me.

    I wish I could give you insight into how to decide, it's always been something I just knew.
    "Knowledge without mileage is bullsh*t"... Henry Rollins

    "That moral high horse is a tough perch to stay on"... Me

    "PETA doesn't want stressed animals to be cruelly crowded into sheds, ankle-deep in their own crap, because they don't want any animals to die-ever-and basically think chickens should, in time, gain the right to vote. I don't want animals stressed or crowded or treated cruelly or inhumanely because that makes them probably less delicious"...Anthony Bourdain


    R.I.P. MiLo
    Run free and catch the rabbits
    4/7/96 - 11/30/10

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    6,075
    I made the decision that I didn't want a child. There were numerous reasons for it, but the decision was made. And then one day when I was in my early 30's I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant and a woman walked in with a newborn. I saw her with that baby, and tears just started streaming down my face. I was really alarmed - because at 33 I found I was yearning for a child. So...I had a child...and I don't regret it for a second.

    I don't think it's something one has to decide immediately...and I wouldn't put any stress on yourself in trying to make that decision. You'll know when you know.
    "The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common:
    instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views,
    which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that need altering."


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