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Thread: SI support group?

  1. #291
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    United states
    Age
    29
    Posts
    167
    I dont really understand , how it feels wrong to hurt yourself when you know your body is sacred

    and how when you want to cry you refuse it , fight it , cause it scares you

    its all so diffiacult and such..

  2. #292
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    North Cackalacky
    Age
    27
    Posts
    369
    So, I haven't even been on this site for a year now it seems, but I've been feeling kind of spiritually hollow for a while and began to look back into stuff.

    Anyway, I remembered how I would come to this thread sometimes when I was feeling down and out and how reading other people's experiences would help me feel less alone and strange. I figured I might as well post my thoughts as of late, just in case there's anyone out there who needs to read them.

    I've been a cutter since middle school. The longest I've gone without cutting was two years.

    During my senior year of high school, after I relapsed a few times in quick succession, I decided to tell my family and my doctor about my problem (all of my friends already knew and have always been very supportive). It was my choice to tell my grandparents and to tell my doctor in order to get therapy.

    After going to three or four therapy sessions, I suppose I became resentful of the whole process. It seemed like all I was doing was paying for someone to sit and listen to me. It seemed to me at the time, and I still have this opinion, that the therapist was only there to guide my thoughts as I spoke them out loud to her.

    While this might help some people, I just became kind of angry that this was all that we were doing. If I needed someone to talk to, I could talk to my friends. Why did I need to pay someone to listen to me? She didn't tell me anything about my problem that I hadn't figured out already, and after she told me I "[was] a very well adjusted individual", I kind of snapped and decided not to go to therapy again.

    This was my very limited experience. I might seek out therapy again sometime in the future if I become more open to the idea of it, but, honestly, if you don't believe in and trust in the process, it's not going to help you.

    I honestly felt that having to go to a monthly appointment and talk about my feelings was making it harder for me to deal with them. But if you're thinking of trying therapy, you should do it- because you're open to it. If it doesn't work right now, it doesn't mean it won't help in the future.

    So, let's see... I guess I should describe what kind of self harmer I am. I find that I'm very methodical and ritualistic when I decide to cut myself (when I give in to that urge). I usually cut on my left arm, since I'm right handed. I cut in the middle of the distance between my elbow and shoulder, so my scars are usually just there for anyone to notice if they look hard enough.

    Most of the time, I only cut enough to draw blood. Once I've felt the pain and see the blood well up, I'm usually satisfied. My scars are parallel lines, usually an inch long, always in the same area. The cuts themselves were never deep to leave any scarring that is super noticeable, but I certainly still see them (as does anyone who looks long enough).

    I'm always very careful when I cut myself. I wipe my skin with an alcohol pad and cleanse the knife/scissors/whatever before I begin. I wipe the cut again after I'm done and put a band aid on it. (I suppose that might also be why my cuts heal so quickly with less damage). It's all very ceremonial to me, so if I don't have a "safe" way of doing it, I usually don't.

    I don't hide my scars. I don't really feel the need to since they aren't large or visible at a quick glance. In all honesty, the time I take to slowly cut into my skin, to make those parallel lines- it's almost as though I'm making art, so why would I hide that? I look down at my arm sometimes to see the scars, and they give me a weird sort of comfort. Sometimes just looking at them is enough to chill me out enough not to cut again.

    The older scars, however, are getting harder and harder to see. I have freaked out before and cut because I couldn't see a scar anymore. So, while my scars are usually a comfort and a reminder that I will eventually get over the pain or numbness I'm feeling at the moment, sometimes they can be a catalyst themselves.

    I cut when I'm either feeling an overload of emotions or become anxious because I think I'm not feeling what I'm supposed to feel (or because I'm not feeling anything at all). I tend to thrive on a certain balance of stress- if it becomes too much, I relapse, but if I reach that weird numb sort of contentment, I relapse as well. I'm aware that I sabotage myself in other ways- I skip lectures to make courses harder, I begin to doubt myself if my life seems to be running smoothly.

    I think it's because I'm used to things going to shit and if it's not happening now, I know it'll happen soon- so why shouldn't I take some control of that? Why would I wait for outside forces to hug things up or for other people to hurt me? Why would I give them that satisfaction?

    This mindset probably comes from how disruptive my childhood was (and the sad thing is, I don't remember the majority of it). My mother was a teen mom. She wasn't ready to be a mom, but she did it anyway. As a result, I was often times neglected by her and my grandparents had to raise me themselves. She never had stable relationships herself- my father wasn't in the picture, she later married my brother's father.

    When I was six and my brother was four, she left us with her parents and ran away with another man (who ended up abusing her for ten years). After she left, my life began to calm down, but she was always in the background and that abandonment has stuck with me my whole life. Like most families, there was always something going on.

    There's been vicious circles of molestation in some branches of my family tree, and I've been informed that my cousin (who was actually younger than me) molested me when we were children. He still claims to be in love with me and tries to be physical whenever we're alone. In the past, I felt guilty that he loved me, guilty that I couldn't return those feelings, disgusted that he found me attractive because he was a relative. Whenever he would touch me, I would freeze up.

    I now try to avoid him whenever possible, and I never, ever allow myself to be alone in the same room with him. I'm still very frightened of him and sometimes become disgusted with us both, even though logically I know it's not really my fault.

    I try to be as honest with myself as possible. I try not to feel guilty when I relapse, because that only brings me down more and increases the likelihood of me relapsing again.

    Right now, my goal is to try to get longer intervals between my relapses. I think I'll always have thoughts of hurting myself, but the more times I can get past those thoughts instead of acting on them, the better. I don't really think there's some magical cure for this.

    It's been about a month since my last relapse. I've been able to let myself cry more. I've been able to call my friends at odd hours to talk, because my well being is worth their time- which was a hard realization for me to come to. Friends help each other, that's what they're there for. There's no reason to feel ashamed or guilty for reaching out for help. I really do think being able to openly and honestly talk about my problems helps.

    Everyone has their thing that keeps them down- everyone.

    I think the best we can do is understand ourselves and our behavior, and maybe, through some miracle, we can reach an understanding of self that allows us to finally move past the action of harming ourselves. We can only try.

    I hope you are all doing well. It's a uphill battle, but I really do believe it's worth it. Feel free to PM me or anything if you need someone to talk to.


    Wow, this is really long...
    Last edited by Seasaidh; December 29th, 2009 at 04:21 AM.

    "You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden,
    but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses,
    and if you do not put your head in the sand.
    Take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose."
    - Elisabeth Kübler Ross

  3. #293
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Rhode Island
    Age
    28
    Posts
    505
    that's okay hun, it's why the thread is here. it can be as long as you want it too :hugs:

    I haven't SIed in almost a year coming up in January. I feel very proud pf myself. My family is kinda supportive, but the one person I know I can turn to is my boyfriend, cause he has a lot of the same issues I do.

    just know that you have people here who understand and can help out, and if you ever need an ear, I'm here.
    Christina Sparrow

    previous MW usernames: VioletStarLizard - lil'BuddhistWich - SunflowerWriter



    I am a sparrow, the smallest of songbirds...

  4. #294
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    81
    I haven't cut for about a week , but am now hitting myself every time am having anxiety attacks which is about twice a day on a good day and about 3 - 4 times on a bad day
    The hitting myself started with me tapping my head and then it went on to hitting .. it like an impulsive thing .

  5. #295
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    81
    Really struggling right now... voices ( i have psychosis ) are telling me to cut.
    Am trying to keep myself distracted

  6. #296
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    5,777
    Hi, I haven't checked in here for quite a while. I am not quite sure if it's a good or bad sign that no one has posted here since 2011
    "I believe we all suffer under a curse, the curse that we know more than we can bear, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do about the force and lure of this curse." Vittorio -Vittorio the Vampire by Anne Rice

  7. #297
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    4,378
    Quote Originally Posted by QUEEN OF THE DAMNED View Post
    Hi, I haven't checked in here for quite a while. I am not quite sure if it's a good or bad sign that no one has posted here since 2011
    um i would say it's a good sign for the members of the forum. bad sign for the forum.
    MYSTIC WICKS Needs your help!Please donate or subscribe!



    Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

  8. #298
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    North Cackalacky
    Age
    27
    Posts
    369
    Quote Originally Posted by QUEEN OF THE DAMNED View Post
    Hi, I haven't checked in here for quite a while. I am not quite sure if it's a good or bad sign that no one has posted here since 2011
    I think it's the nature of online forums in general in that there are few members who post regularly for years.

    I've come back on MW on and off over the years to read up on some things, and I usually update my progress on here to keep everyone updated. So, to continue with that tradition- I'm finishing up my final year of university and haven't relapsed in at least a year. I'm currently taking advantage of the on campus counseling paid with my tuition and started taking Lexapro this past year. I've been wary of taking an antidepressant in the past, but I finally decided that it was what I needed in order to be physically and mentally capable of making the changes I knew I needed to make in order to achieve the goals I have for myself. I'm on a low dose (10mg), although I suspect my doctor might increase the dosage later on as my body becomes more used to it. The side effects were a bitch, but overall it has definitely been worth it.

    While working in counseling with exploring the mindset behind my cutting, I've also been forced to examine my relationship with food. I've realized that over the past few years I've approached controlling what I eat the same way I approached controlling my emotions (and punishing myself) through cutting. So, while I am concentrating on not relapsing into cutting, I'm also becoming more aware of my eating and monitoring my alcohol consumption (as alcoholism runs in my family). Appetites: Why Women Want and Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp have been a huge help in understanding my own self-destructive and abusive thought and behavior patterns. I'd recommend them to anyone.

    Currently, I'm helping manage my self injury through mindfulness, yoga, journaling, and crafting (cross stitch and crocheting). I'm slowly getting better at recognizing my emotions and sitting with them, instead of trying to fight against them or judge/punish myself for feeling them.

    How is everyone else doing?
    Last edited by Seasaidh; July 2nd, 2012 at 01:33 AM.

    "You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden,
    but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses,
    and if you do not put your head in the sand.
    Take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose."
    - Elisabeth Kübler Ross

  9. #299
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    81
    Av not self injured in a few months still hearing voices and seeing things av also been diagnosed with OCD

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