Originally Posted by blueiris
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I'm not sure how well I fit as a self injurer. Either borderline or messed up enough to appear like I'm on the far side of sane (that is a problem with circles)....
I don't know when I started. It hasn't been too long.. a few months,maybe a year... that I've admitted to myself that I do this. This is pretty much the first place where I've admitted it to anyone else... I think I may have refrenced it in another post once. Mostly I've been an "accidental" injurer. I'd make jokes (haha, isn't it funny how all of my hobbies seem to to involve me getting hurt... stained glass, wood carving, etc) and claim I was clumsy. I dismissed my picking at self as just a quirk, nothing major.
When I found myself unable to deny it to myself any longer, I found it wasn't as easily dismissed as I'd made it. I've plucked lots of body hair (sometimes patches, sometimes more scattered) including an entire eyebrow once (bare fingers). I've combed bald spots once or twice. I've dug/scratched at injures and skin blemishes and scrubbed my skin raw... I can't wear make up because the feel of it sets me off and I can't use pumice stones or lava soap: I've drawn blood with those. I gnaw or pick at finger and toenails down to the quick. I bite myself... haven't drawn blood yet, but I've chewed off chunks of skin (like arround my nails). Unless I am watching myself I can't handle sharp objects without being cut... I do stupid things. I run my fingers down the edge or simply cut unsafely. I leave dangerous objects in places pretty much guarenteed to get me... like broken glass on my bedroom floor. I usually end up touching the pan or burner every time I cook. I do things like stick my hands in the fire or candles. Some of the chances I take while driving also make me wonder. Lots of other questionable behavior that looks pretty self-distructive when all put together.
Since admitting that much I've had a huge problem obsessing over it, craving it. I've managed to limit my "accidents." I haven't tried to control the plucking and such as much yet. But it is as if being aware of it has lifted a restriction on it. Before, I had to be somewhat subtle. Now that I am aware, that isn't as much of a concern. I really am drawn toward intentional cutting. At least once/twice a day (more, sometimes much more, if stressed) I find myself visualizing it... and I'm not bad at visualizing. I can feel the cuts and the blood. Taste it. Smell it. And there is a certain satisfaction in that, and in denying myself the actual cutting.
So far the fact that I just don't express well is probably the main thing keeping me from slicing. It is just too visible... and the thought of having something that is a "cry for help" like that just makes me throughly nauseus. I can't deal with either the thought that people would notice and care or that they wouldn't notice and/or they wouldn't care. Either hits me equally hard.
I haven't figured out if I want to try to get professional help. I'm honest enough to admit that I don't know hw to "fix" myself. But I won't go near psychiatrists. I'm downright phobic. And I don't really want to talk to family (I would get pressured into professional help.) And I don't really want to talk about it with friends. Not that I pass as sane all that well anyway, but this isn't something I really want to have shadowing those relationships... especially if they were "concerned"...would make me twitchier than anythng else could. I don't handle concern well.
Anyway, thanks for providing me an opportunity to just kinda dump this all out there. I know I'm going to regret it in about ten minutes, but even just typing it out does really feel good.
For those who do things like the plucking... I'm debating trying to stop. But I can't decide if I should focus on the bigger things first (plucking being relatively harmless) or if I'm just feeding it with the plucking. Any thoughts?
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