Called to Heal or Fear to Harm?

[Metta]

Hello, all, it's been a while. Thank you for taking the time to read my little diatribe, here.

For over a year, I have been working an overnight 8pm to 5am shift, doing customer support (i.e. getting used as a human punching bag.) My nerves are shot, my anxiety and stress levels are through the roof. I've stuck with this job because it has great benefits, pays well, and up until recently I thought there would be opportunities to move into the art department of my company. But it doesn't look like that's going to happen. As such, I have become increasingly more depressed and negative, and generally bitter at people who think that the world owes them everything under the sun. I'm ready to shave my head, move into the mountains, and become hermit so that I don't have to interact with people - it's really getting that bad.

However, I have felt for a while like I am being called to a healing art, and have been looking into massage therapy and reiki courses in my area. Two years ago, when I was living in Florida, I would give chakra stone healing sessions to friends. I loved it, and loved the connection. People said it helped them. Like, really helped. Not "help" in the "Hello, my name is Metta and I'll be your Support Agent, how may I help you with your whiny little technical problem today?" way - but the actual deep-soul stays-with-you-your-whole-life kind of healing "help".

That's all well and dandy, however I am seriously resisting the path of a healer right now. Because I feel like I am such a negative, sardonic person right now, I don't think I should take on a responsibility of helping others or pursuing something like that. Maybe I feel like I'm not worthy to do something like that, or that my negativity may "rub off" on others. I have met other reiki healers and massage therapists and they exude an aura of peace and joy...not to mention an attitude of someone who works in a low-stress environment! How can I be that, when I'm not that? Also, if I'm not enjoying helping people in a customer support setting, then who's to say I will be efficient in helping people with serious internal or physical needs as a massage therapist?

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for here, permission to move forward with it, validation of my concerns...who knows...I think I'm just at a crossroads in my life, and I'd like to hear my fellow MW's thoughts on this.

So, thoughts?

[Avariella]

First, there is no amount of pay or benefits that are worth wasting your life over, especially if it is a job you can't move up in. Stress does crazy, scary things besides the already horrible feelings of anxiety. As for the healing arts, you have to remember that the art of healing isn't learned over night and the air of calm and happiness doesn't happen over night either. And if you are being called to the healing arts go with it! It is very, very rewarding, I started studying over two years ago and there really is nothing like taking away someone's pain. Everyone is worthy of doing what they love. And there is a HUGE difference between customer service and helping the ill, so there is nothing to worry about there, since it seems like you already have a gift for healing. As for all of the negativity, try healing yourself, or have someone else do it. Sometimes something as simple as a bath, nap or vacation can take it away. Or if you really want to try a cleansing ritual and meditate for a while. Negativity only sticks around for as long as you let it. I wish you luck at your crossroads!

[Lena C.]

I know how you feel. I felt the same way a lot over the last few years, and I almost did shave my head and run away. Most recently I was wasting my time at a job I hated with constant drama where they kept telling me I was being promoted to keep me there but never actually did. Stress like that ruins every other aspect of your life and hurts your relationships with other people and with yourself. To make a long story short, I ended up quitting that job and going back to school. Nothing has made me happier. Money's a little tighter than before, but the benefit of keeping my sanity and regaining my calm has been worth it. If you want to be a healer go for it. It may end up healing you in the process and giving you your calm back. Maybe that is what is missing from your life that is making you so stressed out. Just make sure to focus and try to get some relaxation in ahead of time so your stress doesn't affect others. Maybe you could get a massage or do some small things for yourself like a bath or meditation. Maybe get some lavender spray for your sheets and a few easy to care for plants around your home. Little things like that can make a huge difference.

[Shanti]

How can you find true compassion to help others heal unless you have suffered and experienced it inside yourself?
This bad time is your time to experience suffering so you can know what others may be feeling inside themselves.
A good healer is one that knows what hurt inside ones soul does to them and what it feels like.

Sounds to me like you may be a healer just waiting to heal!

Use your pain inside to move forward into a healing practice for others.
Now you know how negative influences can hurt you inside. Now you know how others are being affected inside by their outside forces.